


Sharpness of this bliss

by DominikaDecember



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Character Death, Like centuries slow, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn, but dw, it's not someone we like, lots of bad parenting, lots of biphobia, lots of homophobia, unprospering adults
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24440566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DominikaDecember/pseuds/DominikaDecember
Summary: His mum was coming back. He couldn't believe it. It was too good to be true.--Sarah Sugden never died in the fire. She was badly hurt and left the village for nine years after the trauma of it.Robert had never left the village, stayed to help Jack who has become more a tyrant than a father.Some canon events happen, some don't.ON HIATUS JUNE 2020
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 18
Kudos: 66





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> What am I doing here? 
> 
> Well, I had this stupid idea at 2 am and ofc it wouldn't leave my brain so a new fic is coming your way! This one I can just feel will be the death of me and may remain a WIP for a long time but it's something I gotta do. 
> 
> It shall be a much darker fic than the mpreg. I will allude to some canon past events and borrow scenarios that suit me. 
> 
> Unbeta'd.
> 
> YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! Read at your own peril!

His mum was coming back. He couldn't believe it. It was too good to be true.

He wanted her to come back for the past nine years but she remained determined to stay away. He couldn't blame her. After one of your children almost kills you, one doesn't really want to stick around. Especially with a husband who once upon a time may have been prince charming but has turned into a monster of a man over the years.

It's not like Robert never saw Sarah. He visited her as often as it was possible but it was difficult to show his face when his life was not so easy with Jack always favouring Andy and seeing Robert as a constant disappointment. Especially after Jack found his son embracing a young farmhand. The scars from the beating may have faded on Robert's body but they were imprinted in his memories. A shameful secret he buried inside and never spoke about.

Robert had changed over the years under the scrutiny of his father and the entire village. And the fact that Sarah Sugden was planning on coming back to Emmerdale felt like he could breathe again. 

He didn't tell anyone because Sarah wanted it to be a fun surprise for Victoria. Truth be told, Robert liked the fact that he was the only one who knew. It made him feel honoured that his mother trusted him with a precious secret like that.

She was still his favourite person no matter where she was. Victoria a very close second despite the headache she's been causing. He didn't blame his mother for leaving, he originally nearly went with her but ultimately decided to stay on the farm and help his father. At first Jack Sugden was proud of his son. Choosing to stay at the farm and help with the family business. It was what a proper man did.

But then Robert got careless.

He felt something that was wild and uncertain. Something that he didn't fully understand.

An attraction to the young boy his father had hired to help on the farm when Andy and Robert weren't enough. Robert tried to stifle the feelings but then the boy himself seemed to reciprocate them. Lasting looks roaming over Robert's body, easy smiles and fun banter. Lingering touches.

It ended with a simple kiss that woke something up inside of Robert. New possibilities. New primal urges that seemed familiar with girls.

And then it had to be shut down again with every leathered imprint of his father's belt.

He was a fifteen year old boy then.

He never told Sarah about it. That from that moment on he longed to escape his father's clutches but Jack was determined to keep him around even if he was disgusted. To make sure Robert didn't step out of line. The controlling actions of his father, slowly broke Robert's spirit. The only thing keeping him somewhat sane was his younger sister needing him around.

Daz came soon enough to help on the farm and Andy became the noble Sugden out of them all despite getting Debbie Dingle pregnant, shooting Jack and abusing his wife.

Robert Sugden was still the bigger scum. Katie made sure everyone around the village thought that when things went sour with them. Not that Robert didn't deserve it. Cheating on the girl he managed to wrangle away from his brother was not the smartest idea. But he did love Katie at one point. Deeply enough to want to get engaged and have a life together. Jack was actually happy for him at that point.

Funny how quickly things change.

His life consisted of farm life and the village boring every single cell in his body. With Daz gone, him and Andy had to put in even more hours on Jack's insitence.

They didn't discuss what happened between Daz and Victoria. Andy managed to calm Jack down enough not to kill his brother by asking Daz to leave and the next day he was gone.

Victoria was heartbroken but got over it soon enough. She still was around that Dingle lad that no one liked claiming he weren't so bad even though it was thanks to him everyone found out her secret.

Robert, unlike Andy and Jack, wasn't angry about the situation. He understood that Vic and Daz fell for each other. It made him uncomfortable and he tried to explain to Victoria that if the relationship was meant to be, then the two of them could try when Vic was older if she hadn't found someone else.

His younger sister didn't appreciate his advice on the topic and pointed out that his own love life wasn't exactly storybook perfect.

He nearly uttered the words then.

Bisexual was on the tip of his tongue ready to come out to the one person he was sure would not judge him or hate him.

But in the end Robert bottled it. It wasn't worth telling her. He weren't interested in anyone anymore. Just wanted to do his work and get on with his life until the next thing came along.

That's when Sarah told him. She bought the Dale Head in the village and was moving back.

"Are you sure, mum?" He asked trying to hide the excitement in his voice. He was a twenty-two year old man now after all.

"Yeah, I think it's time. Especially with what's going on with Victoria. And I should get to know my granddaughter, don't you think?" Robert's eyes flickered over to his brother who was watching the telly with his tea. "Thanks to Edna Birch, I got a very good deal on the house. And I have some savings left over, could start up library again. How is it possible that Emmerdale is such a picturesque place but has no library or bookshop?" She laughed on the phone bringing a warm feeling to his chest.

"It's a lot different here now. There's practically a Dingle at every corner." Robert murmured making himself a brew and balancing the phone in the other hand. That family had practically infested the village and wormed its way into theirs first with Andy and then with Victoria. They even worked at Diane's pub. 

Robert liked Diane and over the years she has become the mother figure that was left behind after Sarah. Sure, her and Jack had their own problems. They rowed a lot but unlike Sarah, Diane usually backed down. Robert thought she could do better than his father. He mentioned it once to his sister and got hit with her backpack in return. 

The thing with Diane though? She always thought the worst of Robert. Never gave him a chance to explain or to make up for his mistakes. Just constantly walking around shaking her head disappointed over his actions. 

That kind of behaviour had a habit of bearing down on him. 

He couldn't wait until the one person who believed in the best of him was back in Emmerdale. 

(*)

"Robert." Jack growled from the tractor. "Get one of those lads from the garage over here, will ya? Your mechanic skills are as rusty as your farming." Robert felt a familiar sense of shame at his father's words, noticing Andy standing to the side and observing them uncertainly. 

"Dad, give him a chance." Andy tried surprising Robert. "It's just Debbie at the garage today and I don't want to call her out here unless it's necessary. She's already been under a lot of stress and Sarah doesn't need that." The pleasant surprise evaporated out of Robert like a balloon. Of course his brother had someone else's interests at heart. 

"I can't fix it without a specific part." He wiped his hands on the overalls. "I'll give Debbie a call to order it." He started making his way back to the house hearing his father tell Andy how useless Robert was. The words so familiar that he could recite them like a bednight prayer. He looked through the fridge putting off calling the garage. Him and Debbie were civil but it was a chore talking to her. It was a chore talking to everyone these days really. Robert was feeling like a recluse more and more, tired of the jabs and the insults hidden in between conversations, in between fake smiles.

"You look miserable." Vic told him as she came through the door. He eyed her backpack and uniform.

"And you look like you're skivving. Again." Vic grinned.

"If I weren't meant to leave, then why do they make it so easy?" He couldn't help but chuckle at that. "Besides, me and Aaron got plans." Robert groaned.

"You two are not together again, are you? It's such a massive headache and I don't need dad and Andy going on about it."

"Absolutely not. Me and him are strictly mates from now on." She settled. "Interesting how you're more concerned about hearing them whinge than me going out with Aaron." Vic crossed her arms, raising one of her eyebrows. "I'm only your sister, is all." Robert moved forward and put his arms around her with a big smile.

"If I didn't think you could handle yourself, I'd kill that chavvy Dingle when you first started up with him." He kissed the top of her head at which Vic squirmed at but accepted the hug he offered her. "You're my little sister. I want to look out for you but not be overbearing." Robert felt his sister smile into his shoulder, never getting tired of how much taller he was than her.

"Cheers." Vic said quietly. He couldn't wait until mum came back. Vic would be ecstatic.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! LGBT-phobic language in here and loads of self-loathing inflicted by a parent. 
> 
> Had a really shitty morning as well at work so I wanted to cheer myself up and what better way than to upload a new chapter? 
> 
> Anyways, please enjoy! Thank you for reading!

"Get off." Andy kicked at Robert's feet. They were propped up against one of the tires on his precious car whilst he took a break from repairing one of the fences. Robert kicked one of his long legs out to trip Andy up but the other Sugden managed to swerve away from him successfully. "You're gonna be on your own tomorrow with dad. Try not to do his head in." Robert sat up straight. He didn't particularly like being alone with their father. Aside from the cruelty Jack spewed at him, his work ethic suffered when observed by the older man.   
  
"I've got Sarah, don't I?" Andy explained annoyed that Robert forgot. "Taking her to the zoo for the day." Robert rolled his eyes. It wasn't like he hated his niece. He didn't particularly have an opinion on the young girl. She just existed. The rest of the family worried enough about her that he felt he didn't need to. He didn't have the energy. "Just be nice, yeah? To Sarah."  
  
"I'm always nice." Andy shook his head and went off back to the fence. Jack was visible in the distance, herding the cattle. Robert took a deep breath and followed his brother back to the fence.   
  
He felt like his mother couldn't come back soon enough. The secret of her return calming most difficult situations and thoughts in his head.   
  
"What in the world is that doing here?" Robert overheard his brother and looked in the direction Andy was staring at. A German shepherd was jumping happily around their chickens. The dog was enjoying himself immensely. Robert was slightly jealous of the animal's carefree existence. "Isn't that Aaron's dog?" His brother frowned in disgust. "We better get this mutt out of here before dad sees." Robert jumped at the opportunity to get away from the farm.  
  
"I'll take him back to the village." He assured his brother and made his way over ignoring Andy's quips about slacking off. Robert wasn't a dog person but he couldn't help smiling back at this one when their eyes met. The German shepherd just radiated warmth. "Hey buddy." Robert knelt down letting the dog come over to him. "You shouldn't be here, you know." He motioned to the chickens giving them a wide berth. The dog nudged his hand with its nose and licked his fingers. Robert notice that half of a leash was still attached to the collar. "You escaped, huh?" Robert ran his hands over the fur. "Wonder what that's like."  
  
He managed to find some rope to use as a temporary leash and once he discarded his overalls at the house, they made their way over to the village. He could have taken his car but the longer Robert was away from his family, the more he seemed to enjoy himself. Didn't even mind that the dog pulled ahead a few times and slobbered on him.   
  
"Clyde!" Robert heard behind him as he walked to Paddy's. The dog started to bark and jumped excited as Aaron Livesy ran over from the café. "What are you doing with him?!" Aaron shouted accusingly at Robert, checking Clyde over and ripping the rope from his hands giving Robert slight rope burn.   
  
The teenaged lad wasn't bad looking. In fact, if Robert didn't ignore most people around him, he might even find Aaron attractive. The permanent scowl rather amusing to the older man.   
  
"He made his way over to ours, nearly did some of our chickens in." Robert told Aaron affronted. "If you want to keep a dog, mate, make sure you get a proper leash. Not one he can break in two." Robert pointed to Clyde's collar and he could see realisation dawning on Aaron's face. He noticed a small blush creeping up onto the younger man, most likely due to embarrassment. "Just keep an eye on him, yeah? If my dad would've caught him, he would have done him in simply because he's your dog." Robert advised and put his hands in his pockets. "You're welcome, by the way." He waited a few seconds, eyeing Aaron for a reaction but none were coming forth. It was like the teenager froze in shame. Robert spotted the blue eyes unwavering from Clyde. "Well... bye I guess." The other man said feeling awkward. The teenager nodded still looking at the dog. Robert rolled his eyes and started to make his way over to the cafe but he turned around when he heard Aaron call out.  
  
"Thanks." The teenager said taking a step forward, Clyde panting next to him happily. "For bringing him back." Robert could see a small smile in the corner of the lad's mouth and it knocked the air out of him. Aaron smiling was very different than Aaron scowling. Robert nearly squinted because he was so blind-sided. "Paddy would have lost it." Aaron shrugged and went into the vet's surgery, talking softly to Clyde and leaving Robert behind.  
  
He stared after him until the door to the surgery slammed shut before he realised what he was doing.  
  
"Huh." Robert murmured to himself. He'd seen Aaron around, of course he had. Especially since the teenager did take up with Victoria at one point.  
  
But this was the first interaction he actually had with the teenager. First words the two exchanged.  
  
He was still looking at the cottage.  
  
Aaron Livesy had piqued Robert's interest. Maybe he weren't as bad as Jack and Andy made him out to be. Robert coughed lightly and cleared his throat, finally walking away to the cafe. He figured if he was going to skive off on work, then he might as well treat himself.  
  
(*)  
  
"Hi Mum." Vic was talking to Sarah on the phone. Robert noticed their father's shoulders tense up as he was watching the telly with Diane who waved at Vic to get the teenage girl's attention. "Diane and dad say hi too. Robert doesn't because he's annoying." She stuck her tongue out at him. "Oh, Andy is with Sarah and Debbie for tea. They are really starting to get along these days. It's weird. So unlike them." Robert looked over the book he was doing his best to read but not really paying any attention to. There was a familiar tension in the air whenever their mother was mentioned around their father. Jack and Sarah rarely got on near the end of their marriage and it only got worse when she left. He couldn't understand why anyone would want to. There was a part of Robert that stayed purely because he knew his father would approve. But that approval soon turned sour like everything else in Robert's life.  
  
“Victoria, love.” Jack stood up and gave her a weak smile. “D’you mind going somewhere else? It’s just that my program’s on.” If that had been Robert on the phone, the patriarch of the family wouldn’t be nearly as nice. Vic laughed and nodded going up to her bedroom with the phone. Jack caught Robert’s angry look. “You’ve got something to say, son?”  
  
“Why did you do that?” Robert asked knowing full well the reasons behind Jack sending Vic off. “She’s just talking to mum.”  
  
“You mean the mother that abandoned you lot nine years ago?” Jack shot back viciously. “No need to defend the cow anymore, Rob. She’s not in our lives and it’s best to keep it that way.” Robert was about to say something that would definitely start an argument between the two men when Diane interjected.  
  
“Jack Sugden. You do not speak about the mother of your children that way. Ever.” She demanded. “Sarah loves the whole lot and she calls practically every night to check in with them. I don’t want to hear another bad word, do you understand?” She asked in a firm voice that dared him to be defiant. Robert was impressed. He’d not witnessed Diane standing up to his father like that before. Jack also looked taken aback by the words but nodded reluctantly.  
  
He’d had enough though. Diane sent a concerned look to Robert but he ignored it.  
  
Robert grabbed his car keys and left the house quickly, not wanting to be around the man. Sarah would most likely ask him why he left when she rang but he simply didn’t have the energy to be there.  
  
The Woolpack was full and he didn’t feel like being anywhere near the people who thought him to be scum. He wanted to go somewhere else where he could actually have a good time. Where he could breathe. The drive was only a half an hour but it was enough to make him question himself over fifty thousand times.   
  
It was a bad idea. He knew it.   
  
He shouldn't be there.  
  
Robert's eyes were glued to sign above the bar. He really shouldn't be there.   
  
He didn't have enough courage to get out of the car.   
  
This wasn't the first time either. But he never stepped outside. Just sat and watched people going in and out. Mostly men. Some he found attractive, some he didn't. One time Robert thought he saw the farmhand but it was too dark to tell.  
  
The words 'bar' and 'west' taunting him from a distance. Robert sighed and after nearly an hour decided it would be best to head back. He had another early morning the next day. Another hard day at the farm. At least Andy would be there to take Jack's attention off of him. Sometimes it was useful to have him around.   
  
He drove over to the village first hoping that the pub had settled down and he could eat something in peace. It looked quiet enough from the outside so he risked heading in. He spotted his brother with Debbie and little Sarah.   
  
They looked like a proper family, both listening to the little girl intently and genuinely smiling at whatever was being said.   
  
Robert gulped down the hurt building up in his throat.   
  
He remembered when that was his family. A family outing at the pub with him and his siblings being rowdy and their parents enjoying every second of it. His throat clicked as he swallowed dryly.   
  
There was no use thinking about what life was like. He just had to survive until his mother came back to Emmerdale. Everything would be better then.   
  
"Where were you?" Jack's voice startled him as he let himself back into the house choosing to get a good night's sleep instead of a meal at the Woolie. The sight of happy family dad Andy Sugden making him no longer hungry. Robert looked around but it was only Jack in the room. He assumed Diane went upstairs and Vic was locked in her room doing whatever.   
  
"Out." Robert answered simply. His father's eyes narrowed and Robert saw a twitch in one hand.   
  
"You're being disrespectful to me lately. That's stopping now." His father got up off the couch with a bottle of something Robert didn't recognise. "I won't be made a fool of by my own son."  
  
"Oh you remember I'm your son this week?" Robert shot back, something in the back of his mind telling him to stop but he didn't pay attention to it. "'Cause you sure forgot about it for the past few years. You know ever since you found out I'm also interested in bl----" The bottle flew past his head and crashed against the door. Jack came around the couch and pushed Robert against the door, his breath laced with liquor against Robert's face.  
  
"I will not have a faggot for a son." Jack hissed, his eyes wild. Robert wanted to push back, his father's hold wasn't even strong, a simple warning.   
  
But in the moment he was paralysed.  
  
"You've already made me a laughing joke in this village plenty. That's enough." Jack continued. Robert could hear one door upstairs opening and someone hesitating whether to come down. Jack stilled as well listening. He sent a silent plea that whoever it was, would help him and see what his father was really like. Not the Saint that everyone adored and thought of as a good man. But his stomach sank. Whoever it was went back into the room making Jack smirk victoriously. "No one cares about ya, Rob. Remember that." His father finally let go of him. "Clean that up." Jack motioned at the broken glass besides Robert and walked away up to his bedroom.   
  
The moment he heard the door upstairs click behind his father, he let out a shaky breath.   
  
Biting his bottom lip, Robert allowed a few stray tears travel down the bridge of his nose before going to the kitchen and grabbing a brush and dustpan. If he didn't, Vic or Diane would ask questions and he didn't have the energy to spin another tale.   
  
He was so tired.   
  
He couldn't remember the last time he had the energy for anything other than to survive the days. Exhaustion creeped in at some point in his life and made itself a very comfortable lodger.  
  
Robert got into the shower letting the hot water beat soothingly at his shoulders. It was the only time his thoughts quieted down.  
  
They came back in shouting as soon as he turned the water off. He did his best to ignore but as he got into his bed, he knew this was going to be another night of restless sleep. He hated his father. But he still craved his approval and love at some level and that was the worst part. No matter how hard Robert tried, he would always be a massive disappointment to Jack and he was made aware of that every single second of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you think: [dominikadecember](https://dominikadecember.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all, this was a chapter I've wanted to write for a very long time. 
> 
> There is LGBTphobic language in here and a lot of terrible parenting on everyone's part. 
> 
> Please read and leave kudos as they give me massive cyberhugs and I want to write more! 
> 
> Thank you and stay safe!

He stared at the different boxes of chocolates. His mother wouldn't want a big do out of her return but he wanted to get her something to make her feel special. 

Telling Andy and Jack he was taking the day off went by as well as he expected. Both of the men commented on how little he did do when he was around so it wouldn't be much of a difference. 

"No, I'm not having you inflict your posh meals on my digestive system." Paddy and Marlon walked into the shop with the vet rejecting whatever the chef was offering. 

"Oh come on, Paddy. Be my guinea pig." The Dingle man grinned. Robert rolled his eyes turning back to the chocolates, choosing a box of Roses to be suitable and fancy enough for his mum. "Alright, Robert? Fancy yourself a day off did ya?" Marlon joked from a distance. 

"It's nice to have days off. But then again, the downside of being self-employed means missing out on money." Paddy said sadly before noticing the chocolates. "You celebrating something?" 

"Yeah." Robert told them and the two men waited for him to continue. "A way out of this conversation." He smirked at their taken aback expressions and paid for the chocolates passing Paddy's comment about him being extremely social on the way out.

Robert was feeling lighter the closer he got to the airport. His car diligently powering through even though it was on its' last few breaths. He needed to get a new one but it was an expense he just didn't have any money for. 

He'd tried to get some odd jobs through the internet but they had to be done in his spare time and he was too exhausted from the farm and his life in general to do much. He had ambition at one point. Wanted to do some consulting and he had a good head for numbers which he knew. On a few occasions Jack let him look through the books and he managed to figure out ways to get a small profit going before Andy lost interest and convinced their father that Robert's input wasn't worth it. 

To them work wasn't about money, about sustainable living. 

To Andy and Jack work was about putting in long hours and taking care of the farm no matter how much time and money would be lost. Farming was honest and not about making a dime.

That mentality did Robert's head in especially when he thought of ways to make their family business a success but no one was listening. Diane usually just patted his hand and said condescendingly that he should leave it all to Jack. Vic just didn't care. He didn't bother his mother with it because she wasn't interested in the farm life anymore. 

And Robert didn't have any friends to complain to about his strong-headed brother and father. 

It was rather lonely to be Robert Sugden these days. 

But as he waited at the arrivals gate, he felt himself breathing easier. Sarah Sugden had a habit of making things better for him. 

He felt a massive smile spread across his face as he saw her coming through with a suitcase. 

"Robert!" She yelled startling a few people around her. She pushed past them with a half-hearted apology and ran to him. He met her halfway, hugging her tight. "Oh, love. I've missed you so much." He closed his eyes breathing in his mum's comforting smell. She filled out a bit since he saw her last year in December. Had a slight tan as well which he chalked up to the Italian sun she recently was under the care of. 

"Hi mum." He muttered into her hair. She was finally there. "I missed you too." Robert smiled to himself, holding onto his mother. 

As they drove back to the village, she talked about the newest adventures she's been on and more about what she wanted to do in Emmerdale. Her mind set on starting up a library again. 

"I still cannot fathom going all the way to Hotten to get a book." Sarah shook her head. "Thank goodness for Edna still keeping in touch with me. I've never would have thought of coming back to the village if it weren't for her telling me about the house."

"Right." Robert cleared his throat, changing the gear. "Are you still sure about this though? I wouldn't be angry if you wanted me to turn the car around and go back. Might save your sanity after all." Sarah laughed ruffling his hair. 

"Your comedic act is excellent as always, Robert. But no, I've thought about this and changed my mind almost as many times as Victoria changes her clothes. I want to be there." Sarah said confidently. "I'm finally at a place where I feel ready to be back and am actually looking forward to it. I haven't seen little Sarah since she was a baby. I bet she's adorable." Robert shrugged in response, his nonchalance noticed immediately. "Not impressed by your niece then?" He could hear his mother's amused tone and glanced over to see a smirk. 

"She's a kid. I don't really have much of an opinion on her." He admitted and it felt good to say that. He knew his mother wouldn't judge him for that.

"Well, I think she will be an absolute delight to get to know. I've missed out on so much and I'm here to make up for lost time."

"You're not ill, are you mum?" He got his arm swatted in reply and he let himself chuckle as well. The drive to the village was full of little jokes and stories the two exchanged and for the first time in a long while, Robert felt at ease. Yet the closer they got to Emmerdale the more he felt his tension building up. He tried his best to hide it but his mother's eyes glazed over him sadly when they parked at the Woolpack. She could figure out how unhappy he was, even if he didn't say it.

Sarah gave him a reassuring smile as they walked into the pub earning a surprised but pleased smile from Diane. Robert was a bit stupefied at the reaction his stepmother showed but the two women did get along quite well and Diane seemed to really like Sarah. The other woman was grateful in return for being a mother figure to Victoria for all the years she's been away. It was a nice interaction and Robert couldn't help but be pleasantly pulled into the warmth of it.

"It's lovely to see you back, Sarah." Diane smiled at Sarah. "Everyone's been missing you loads. Especially Eric." Sarah threw her head back and laughed. Robert grinned enjoying the sound.

"I bet." Sarah continued to laugh, her arm resting on Robert's shoulders. "I am looking forward to catching up with everyone." She smiled at her son. "I can't get over how handsome you are, love." Robert responded differently to people who complimented him, depending on his attachment to the person. With Sarah, he shyly basked in the attention. He could feel Diane hesitating to say something from behind the bar. "I've only seen you this past Christmas when you were still a teenager and now you're a young man. I'm so proud of you."

"Robert's been doing great at the farm with Andy and Jack." Diane supplied and Robert earned himself a surprised look from his mother. 

"You're still up at the farm? I thought you were going to do that internship in Hotten." Diane confused turned to Robert who cringed. 

The internship was a chance for Robert to get out of the village. A branch of an agriculture consulting firm had a few openings and he got a spot despite no experience and qualifications. He'd like to account it for his fantastic interview skills but it was more to do with the woman who he had the meeting with eyeing him with hunger. Soon after the meeting he learned that she was the daughter of the head of the company. Despite the sexual chemistry between the two, Robert was all set to start working there at the beginning of August but with a heavy heart he rejected it.

"Dad uhm..." Robert cleared his throat fiddling with his pint and avoiding everyone's eyes. "Dad needed my help on the farm more so I put it off." He could feel his mother's silent fury at his side. 

"You got an internship, pet?" Diane asked. "Why didn't you tell us? I'm sure Jack would have understood if you talked to him about it." 

"He did." Sarah said convinced. "You did, didn't you?" Robert winced at her cold tone and nodded feeling like he was eight years old and being forced to chose between his parents. "I can only guess how that ended up." He could practically feel the anger evaporating out of her. 

"Mum, it doesn't matter." Robert sighed and downed his pint. "Let's not talk about that alright?" He spotted that Aaron walking into the pub from the back behind Victoria whose jaw dropped as she saw Sarah sitting at the bar. 

"Mum!" The young girl screamed happily and ran around quickly to give her mother a hug. Sarah immediately switched from angry to excited, jumping up and down almost as much as the teenager in the hug. Robert caught Aaron's eye, the lad looking at his family's interaction with longing. But once he spotted Robert looking, his face turned into a sneer within seconds. Robert also noticed his stepmother hesitating behind the bar. "What are you doing here?! When did you get here?!" 

"Surprise, darling!" Sarah matched Victoria's loud volume. "I've come back to the village. I've bought the Dale Head and am staying permanently." 

"Oh my god! Mum! That's great news! Diane did you hear?" Victoria turned to their stepmother who nodded with that apprehensive smile. "Robert did you know about this?"

"Of course. Favourite child and all." He puffed out his chest proudly earning an eye roll from his sister. 

"Full of yourself as usual. Oh mum! This is my mate, Aaron." She motioned to the teenage boy. Sarah smiled at him warmly and held out her hand. 

"Nice to meet you, young man. Although if I may you seem a bit older for our Vic." She laughed as he started protesting vehemently. Robert noticed the pink flush rising up on his cheeks making the blue of Aaron's eyes stand out.

"She's winding you up." Vic grinned. "Mum knows we're just mates."

"Just wanted to see if I still can embarrass my lot." Sarah explained to Aaron who blinked for a second stunned and gave a shy smile in reply. As Vic caught up with their mother, Robert tried to compose himself. 

That little smile of Aaron's had started to undo something in him. This odd sensation in the pit of his stomach. It was something he didn't expect at all. It took his breath away for a few seconds and he could feel his heartbeat quicken. 

Aaron Livesy was fit. 

He hid it well behind all the aggression that came with the Dingle bloodline but Robert had spotted it now. 

"You need a picture or something?" Aaron hissed at him startling him back from his daze. "Stop staring at me." 

"I weren't." Robert said defensively turning back to his family and doing his best at ignoring the lad's existence. But he was aware of him. He was aware that he was standing nearby and observing his sister with interest. Robert drank his pint slowly avoiding inserting himself into the conversation which wasn't very difficult as Sarah and Victoria were focused on each other and didn't let anyone get a word in. Diane had moved away to serve the locals but she came back every once in a while listening to the conversation. She praised Vic and Andy loads to Sarah every time, Vic beaming at the attention. He should have hated it but for some reason it felt nice to observe them instead of being involved. He also enjoyed the awkward silence emitting out of Aaron. It amused Robert that the teenaged lad acted tough but around the Sugden women, he seemed to melt and embarrass easily. 

He was eyeing him again when a familiar voice interrupted the happy reunion. 

"Mum? What are you doing here?" Andy gasped out from the doorway, Katie right on his heels. Both shocked by Sarah's appearance. The older woman grinned comfortably making Andy squirm. Robert couldn't lie. He enjoyed himself. 

"I'm moving back to Emmerdale." Sarah said loud enough for the entire pub to hear. "My insurance money finally came through and I've got enough to come back and reconnect with my granddaughter and my kids. Hope that's alright with you, Andy." She raised an eyebrow at him expectantly. Robert watched as a whole range of emotions went through his brother before settling on acceptance.

"Of course. Why wouldn't it be?" He laughed and came over to hug the woman tight. "Sarah's going to be so happy." He told everyone. "She doesn't like the Skype sessions making you overly pixelated." Their mother nodded understanding. As the conversation continued on between his family, Robert noticed his mother eyeing Andy warily from time to time. He felt like melting off into the background now that Andy was in the centre of it all. Unlike with Victoria, Robert wanted to fight for the attention but he was just too exhausted. The brotherly rivalry going strong thanks to everyone believing Andy Sugden had the fucking sun shining out of his arse and Robert being a chancer scum. He was so tired of it all.

Passing by a glaring Katie, the young woman who helped enrich his disgusting reputation, he went off into the loos trying to get a peace of mind. He stood by the sink taking a few deep breaths. 

Jack would find out soon enough that Sarah had returned and that Robert knew along. A small shudder passed over his body as he thought of the different possibilities at Jack's reaction. He flinched as he heard someone behind him. 

"You planning on hogging that sink, all day?" Blue eyes asked him annoyed. They were so fucking blue. Robert couldn't understand how it was possible for a colour like that to exist outside of sci-fi. "You alright, mate?" The annoyance growing into a pang of concern. Robert cleared his throat and took a step back, his arse hitting the sink. He hissed at the bump as he felt a bruise making itself at home. "Jesus, what's the matter with you?" Aaron's face scrunched up confused and Robert felt his entire body flush with embarrassment.

"Just trying to piss, Livesy. Not keen on having a fucking audience." He spat out feeling defensive and regretted it immediately as Aaron's face closed down. 

"There are other people who gotta use the bog, princess. Just 'cause your mum owns the pub, it doesn't mean that you're the only one with the privilege to piss in here." Robert felt himself bristle at the princess comment as Aaron moved forward and elbowed him to the side. He started unzipping his pants. "You want to watch, you fucking ponce?" Aaron sneered at Robert. "It'll cost ya a decking." Robert narrowed his eyes and walked away, bumping into Aaron's shoulder not gently. 

"Fucking wanker." He said before leaving the bathroom ignoring Aaron's snort. Robert was already on edge because of his family, he didn't need some stupid teenager making comments like that.

Andy was still in the centre of everyone's attention so Robert grabbed himself an orange juice walking behind the bar. Everyone was so entranced in whatever story Andy was telling that they didn't even notice. 

Except for their mother. Sarah caught Robert's eye and sent him a reassuring smile. He breathed out a little easier knowing that now there was one person in this village who looked out for him.

(*)

It started innocently. Victoria begged Sarah to come to tea at the farm. She said it would be best to get it over with seeing their father. Like ripping off a band-aid. 

Diane couldn’t join them because she had to stay at the Woolie but wished them all luck and assured everyone that it would be a lovely supper. 

Andy grabbed some fish and chips from Marlon to take away. His mood shifting to apprehensive the closer they got to their home. 

Robert himself felt the tension in his shoulders build up every nanosecond. It was a ticking time bomb. 

“Sarah.” Jack said acting surprised getting out some plates. But Robert knew better. Someone must have told him because if Jack hadn’t known and saw his former wife, he wouldn’t act so polite. Even Vic eyed their father curiously but shook it off, excitement over their mother's return overpowering.

“Can you believe it?” The teenage girl asked beaming happily. “Mum bought the Dale Head. She’s moving back permanently!” Robert grinned at his excited sister but Jack’s oncoming storm of fury forbid him from easing up. Their mother just stared at her ex husband defiantly, daring him to say something. She wasn’t going to back down from any crap Jack Sugden would throw her way. 

However the patriarch remained cordial and polite throughout dinner. Even offered up dessert to everyone. He spoke with pride about Vic doing well at college and how much Andy has been doing around the farm. 

But then the topic of Robert came up and Jack couldn't keep up the facade any longer. 

“So Robert told me about this internship he got.” Sarah started and Robert winced feeling his siblings eyes on him. They didn't know about it either. He looked to his father who was playing a placated man. “The one with the White consultants or something.” Sarah waved her hand. “I’m quite surprised he didn’t end up taking it.” Robert clenched his fists as Jack’s gaze flickered over to him with a familiar look of rage. This would end up badly. He was an adult, twenty three years old. 

But in that moment he felt like a lost child, terrified of what could happen.

“But he chose to stay on the farm. Like a proper family man.” Jack sent a fake smile to Sarah. “That’s what one does. Stay with the family to do what’s right.”

“Funny.” Sarah sent Jack a fake smile back and Robert held his breath. “From the way you’ve been talking, Robert doesn’t even do anything on the farm. Almost as if you forgot you had another son.” He closed his eyes as Jack slammed his hand on the table whilst Sarah didn’t react. Vic and Andy flinched startled not used to their father's violent outbursts. 

“I will not be disrespected in my own house, Sarah.” Jack stood up knocking over his chair and pointed at Robert. "All he's good for is shoveling manure. And he can't even do that properly." His sister gasped at the words and Robert looked to Andy for help. His brother nodded and grabbed Victoria's hand dragging her into the living room. Far enough to be safe and out of the line of fire but close enough to hear. Robert stayed at the table as his mother stood up as well, her buttons finally pushed.

"He could have gotten out of here. He could make a name for himself. He got into Warwick for uni, Jack! He's clearly got brains but you keep on holding him back, you always have."

"I tried to make an honest man out of him! You weren't here to help!"

"What did you say to him, Jack? He would have taken it if it weren't for you!" Sarah insisted and hit Robert's arms. "What did he say to you?" 

"Mum, please leave it." Robert ran his hand over his face feeling exhausted again.

"Is that what you've been telling her?" Jack sneered. "That I've been keeping you here? That it's my fault you've not gone off and become the successful big man?" Robert rolled his eyes, his hands still clenched. The words still hurt but he's heard them enough times that the sting of them lessened. Victoria and Andy were sitting in the living room quietly watching the scene in the kitchen and he wanted to join them. When they were kids and their parents fought, the three of them had each other. They were a unit. As adults, it was difficult for Andy and Robert. Victoria often left to fend for her own as the two brothers grew apart. 

"What is wrong with you?" Sarah questioned Jack whilst Diane walked into the house in the background taking the scene in. "This is your son! How can you speak to him in that way?" 

"That's what he deserves. You weren't here, Sarah! The odd visit and phone conversations are just one side of the story! You've no idea what he's like now!" Jack rebutted with anger etched onto his face. 

"Maybe I don't!" Sarah agreed. "But he's the only one out of the two of you worth getting to know. Robert, get your things." She ordered not turning from Jack. Robert blinked at his mother. 

"What?" 

"You're not going to be staying under the same roof as this." She waved disgusted at Jack. "You too, Victoria." 

"Now, hold on a second." Jack started but Diane stepped in. 

"Sarah, there's no need for that. This is their home. The best place to be." Diane waved around the house. "There's plenty of space for everyone. Where are you lot going to go? You've just gotten back and there's not even any furniture at the Dale Head yet." Sarah crossed her arms and Robert felt something that resembled pride at his mother's stance. 

"Anyhwhere will be better than here for my kids. Especially my fourteen year old daughter who had sex with her brother's brother." Sarah hissed out glaring daggers at Jack. Diane gasped as Jack glared at Sarah. Robert looked to Victoria whose face paled at the mention of Daz. Only a handful of people knew what had happened between the two. The fact that Sarah was told but not Diane made a statement and Robert couldn't quite figure out what that was.

"Mum, that's enough." Robert said softly noticing Andy's ashamed face. Andy was the one who told Daz to leave after the affair was found out. Sarah turned to Robert and softened as she caught sight of Andy as well. 

Sarah Sugden was a good mother who loved all of her children fiercely but the fire all those years ago flipped something inside of her and Robert couldn't deny it. As much as she loved Andy and knew the fire was an accident, she was now far more cautious of the young man. Robert noticed the rift between them two, especially when Jack started favouring Andy over him. Sarah tried to reach out to Andy as time went on, especially when his daughter was named after her but by then there was enough damage between them and Jack just poured fuel to that fire.

"You're not taking Victoria anywhere." Jack was adamant, his voice dangerously low. "Robert, if you want to leave, leave. But don't come back for any hand outs." His father pushed past and left slamming the door behind him. Robert felt his bottom lip quiver but did his best to compose himself. He wouldn't cry. Not over his father's cruelty. Not again. He went upstairs and packed a bag with some clothes. Victoria and Andy hot on his heels. 

"You're not actually going are you?" Victoria questioned even though she watched him stuff items into the bag. 

"All I've ever wanted was to make him proud of me." Robert said feeling bitter, his eyes clouding over as he looked around for anything else he'd need. If Jack didn't destroy his things then he would come back for them at a later time. 

"Rob, come on mate." Andy tried to defuse the situation from the doorway. "You know dad didn't mean any of that. It was just the heat of the moment. You know how the two of them get when they start arguing." Robert bit his lip trying to keep in the scream building up in his chest. His brother actually believed that. His brother actually believed Jack was a good man and no matter what happened, he would never take Robert's side. 

"Vic are you coming with or you staying?" He asked his sister not looking her way. He felt the hesitation as he piled some documents he would need into the bag. 

"I think it's best to stay here." Victoria answered quietly. "It's not that I'm trying to pick sides..." She trailed off and Robert nodded understanding. 

"Andy?" 

"No, mate. This is my home." Andy smiled at Robert sadly. "Besides, she didn't even ask me." He admitted with a voice that made Robert want to come over and hug him. Vic put a hand on Andy's shoulder trying to comfort him. "It's alright." He shrugged the hand off, putting a smile on. 

"She's not just back for Sarah." Robert told his brother. "She's back for all of us. I just don't fit in here." 

"Oh and I do?" Victoria asked outraged. "Excuse me, I'm not interested in being a farm girl." The two brothers chuckled at her reaction and the tension eased in all three of them. "You take care of her, alright? And yourself." Vic told Robert. "Just 'cause I can't understand what is going on between you and those pig-headed parents of ours it doesn't mean that I stop caring about you. I want what is best for you. And if that means moving out of here, then fine." He pulled his sister into a hug, meeting Andy's eyes over the top of her head. The two brothers shared a look of understanding between them. 

They went back downstairs, Vic holding onto Robert's arm, just as Diane and Sarah finished their conversation. His stepmother looked at him pleadingly. 

"Pet, are you sure you want to leave? We could sort this out." 

"No." Diane's face fell. "Maybe one day we will but I can't do anymore of this." Robert stood firm and looked to his mother who was waiting patiently. "He's not been a good father to me for a long time. It's time I started taking care of myself." Sarah grinned and clapped her hands. 

"Alright then! That's settled. What about you two? There is plenty of space over at mine. Mostly because there is nothing there." She asked Robert's siblings. Andy just shook his head opting to not say anything. 

"Sorry mum. But I've got a lot of stuff and it's all here." Victoria shrugged. "Home is where my stuff is." That earned a small laugh from everyone. 

"That's fair, love. But if any of you change your mind or just need a place to stay, you are more then welcome." Sarah assure her children and Diane before motioning at Robert. "Come on, then. You're the one with a car. Continue on playing chauffeur." He grinned and walked behind her as they made their way outside. He sent one last look towards the rest of his family who were watching him with apprehensive smiles. It wasn't like he'd never see them again. 

He was still in the village and he would never give up going to the pub. 

But something did change. Something felt different as he closed the door and stepped into the car. 

He knew that if he ever came back to the farm, it would be as a guest. 

As they drove away to the village, Robert mused that over in his head. 

"You alright?" Sarah asked as she turned the volume on the radio down.

He got out. He was free. 

Sure, it hurt that Jack washed his hands off him. It hurt a lot. But his siblings and his stepmother didn't say they would cut off all contact. Although it felt that they needed Robert to stay more for Jack's sake rather than his own. And Sarah was the one person in this world who actually wanted him around. 

"I'm good mum." Robert told her. "Thanks for coming back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hit me up on tumblr: [dominikadecember](https://dominikadecember.tumblr.com/)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who had another shitty day at work? Ugh. I love my job but people are so fucking exhausting and just uggggggggh. 
> 
> Anyways, here we go!
> 
> Thank you so much for the kudos and the comments! They inspire me to write more and more and I am extremely grateful. Thank you!
> 
> Completely unbeta'd
> 
> TW Biphobia

He slept.

Robert actually had a decent night's sleep despite it being on the floor in his brand new room and one of his jumpers as a blanket. Thankfully it weren't that cold since it was midsummer but he needed to get everything sorted as soon as possible. Starting with a job. 

He yawned as he heard his mother bustling about in the kitchen downstairs. 

He couldn't remember the last time he didn't wake up feeling exhausted. As the sun shone through the window, Robert thought about the fact that he didn't have to do anything today and how odd that felt. For most of his life he was expected to get up at the crack of dawn to help his father at the farm. 

The fact that he wasn't that morning, opened up new opportunities for him. Robert smiled to himself. 

A proper day off. 

The panic punched him in the face a second later. 

He no longer had an income. Jack didn't pay much and charged both him and Andy for their board but it was still something. 

Robert knew that Sarah would be fine with him holding onto his money but if he was going to live with her, he wanted to pay utilities. 

As he went downstairs, his mother's bright smile greeted him. 

"Morning! Operation Emmerdale Library is underway. I got myself a meeting with the council for tomorrow. Today I'm going to look for some venues." She passed Robert a paper cup of coffee. He suspected she got up at dawn and already downed a few cups herself from the amount of energy she had. "As much as I would love to have a library in my own living room..." She motioned at the large empty room behind Robert. "...I think its' best to have it as a last resort. What do you think?" 

"Sure." Sarah frowned at his lack of enthusiasm. 

"You're still thinking about last night, love?" 

"No. Just... I need a job." He grimaced at the coffee. It tasted like its' been sitting out for a bit too long for his liking. Robert had become a fan of Americanos since last december when he visited Sarah in Italy. All other coffees were bleak in comparison. 

"Just come work for me." Sarah suggested with a smug smirk as he stared at her bewildered. "Oh, I'm only joking. I know that your passions lay elsewhere and you'd rather eat dust than own a library." 

"Sorry your philanthropy and public service liking has not rubbed off on me." He murmured earning a swat in return. "Shouldn't we get some furniture before we do anything? To actually make this a home?" 

"Oooh, look at you. I thought you liked this style. What's it called minimal?" 

"Minimalistic, mum." 

"Right that. You've alwasy had a posh streak in you. Enjoy the space." They bickered about what was more important for the majority of the morning. In the end the two agreed that Robert could go to the local charity furniture shop in Hotten and get a few things whilst Sarah looked around Emmerdale for the perfect location for her dream library. 

Robert wondered how much money his mother had to be so comfortable about everything as he tried to get the car started. He turned the key, a familiar engine noise started and cut out in a second. 

He turned the key a few more times but the engine wouldn't even start anymore. 

"Are you joking?" He asked his car. "Don't do this to me." He pleaded taking the key out and putting it back in. 

But the car had decided to take a permanent rest. With a groan, Robert got out and popped the hood looking at the engine.

"Fuck." He swore as he saw the dead battery. Someone ran over to his side. 

"Hi Uncle Rob." He saw his niece grinning up at him. Debbie came and looked over his shoulder. 

"That's bad luck. Looks like your alternator's busted as well, that." 

"Cheers, Debs." He rolled his eyes. "I figured that out myself." She had a smirk plastered on amusing herself at his misfortune. "Hey." He nodded at little Sarah. 

"Mum's taking me to a museum in Hotten. Want to come with?" The little girl suggested. 

"Uh, no, thanks. I need to sort this." 

"Okay, good luck. Tell grandma we will be back later." She ordered seriously and ran to Cain who was working at the garage. Robert glanced at Debbie who was still standing by him. 

"Usually you don't waste time on telling me to do one, so what's the hold up?" The young woman crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes in a thought at him. 

Whatever it was that she was thinking, it made Robert feel uneasy. He tried to filter through his brain the possibilities of what Debbie Dingle could want from him. 

"You want a job?" She asked him out of the blue. Robert gaped at her. "I could use some good staff especially ones that train up Aaron. Ryan's doing his best but I do need him to work on some cars. And my dad is doing my head in." Robert still didn't speak. Out of all the people in the world, he never expected Debbie to want to employ him. "Don't get any ideas. I don't like you and want you to drop dead most of the time. But like I said, you're a good mechanic. I could use the help with the business side of the garage as well and I heard you were sort of decent. Not to mention it would drive Andy up the wall." She smiled to herself. 

Robert couldn't believe it. This had to be a wind up. 

"You're joking aren't you?" He asked incredulous. "You hate my guts." 

"Never denied that." Debbie agreed. "But what I said is still valid. Think about it, yeah?" She waited until he noded hesitantly and went to the garage. He stared after her ignoring the curious glare from Cain Dingle being sent his way. 

He closed the hood of his useless car and opted to go to the bus stop, thinking about what happened. He hadn't been a mechanic in years and he weren't terrible at it, but he weren't as good as Debbie made it out. 

He thought about what she said about wanting help with the business side. He was good at that. Better than repairing cars. The bus came by and he got on, still lost in his thoughts. 

Debbie also mentioned that Robert working for her would piss off Andy and that was always a bonus. The two of them usually were civil around their daughter but behind closed doors there was still bitterness over custody and who loved little Sarah more. Even though he didn't have much of an opinion about his niece, Robert thought that she deserved better. He hated how his parents thought over him and his siblings when they were little. He didn't wish that on anyone.

The bus came to a stop and only when Robert got off in Hotten did he register something else Debbie said. 

He'd be training up Aaron. 

(*)

Robert eyed the club. He took a deep breath. His hands were shaking big time so he shoved them into his jeans. 

A group of laughing blokes passed by him and opened the door. 

It was time. 

Robert spent years ashamed of what he felt but he finally was ready to make himself step in. To see what it would be like. To be honest and open about who he was even for one pint. 

After finding some furniture items that he didn’t think utterly hideous and signing up to get it delivered, Robert walked around the small town looking for any job vacancies that would suit his interest but Debbie's offer seemed to knock them all out of the park. 

When finally Robert gave up pretending to even consider other employment, he decided to walk about to distract himself from what has happened recently. Jack's face flashing in his mind telling him to leave was something he wouldn't forget any time soon but for a moment he could find something else occupy his brain. 

His feet brought him to Bar West before he even understood where he was. 

"You heading in?" A voice startled Robert out of his thoughts. He looked to find a lad holding the door open. Robert nodded and practically ran to him muttering a thanks. The other man shrugged and walked off to play pool and Robert was left by himself in the crowded bar. 

He looked around as he made his way to get a drink, trying his best to calm the anxiety inside his chest. The curiousity of this new experience taking over as he asked for a beer and no one batted an eye which surprised him. 

He figured that blokes who came to these places usually ordered something more girly but as his head whipped around, most of them had either pints or something stronger. 

There were some by themselves and some with people. The guy who held the door for him was playing with a mate and laughing freely making Robert wanted that kind of a friendship. He eyed the bloke and his curls but even though Robert found him attractive, he wasn't what Robert craved. 

"Can I get you another?" An easy smile dragged Robert's attention away. The lad that spoke to him was goodlooking, Robert couldn't deny that. His brown hair neatly gelled back with a trimmed beard and blue eyes. "You look like you could use it." 

"Uhm..." Robert coughed and downed his beer making the other man laugh. 

"First time in here?" The other man moved to stand next to Robert, both of them leaning with their backs on the bar and taking in the scene. 

"Is it written all over my face?" Robert sighed exasperated. 

"Sort of." Their bodies were pressed together as the other man turned to ask for two more beers from the bartender. "I'm Billy. About a year ago, I was in this exact spot looking like you." 

"What? Fit?" Robert smirked taking the offered beer, daring to use some banter.

"That you are, mate." Billy chuckled. "But also shitting myself." Robert inhaled sharply at the words. "It's alright. Most of these lot struggled with coming in here. With not rejecting who we are." Robert could hear the sadness in Billy's voice. "Every single person in here has a sad story. You're not the first." 

"So..."Robert hesitated meeting Billy's eyes. "How do I get.... accustomed to being who I am? Is there a manual or something?" 

"You mean like a gay Yoda?" Billy grinned surprising Robert which made him let out a loud laugh. "Nah. There's a ton of content that will tell you what to do, how you should, how you should behave but ultimately? It's up to you. You figure out how you want to deal with your sexuality and you let those close to you know how you want to be treated." Robert nodded downing the second beer feeling itchy under his skin. He noticed a few people looking at him and whilst Billy was nice, Robert could tell the other man was attarcted to him. 

Robert knew he was good looking. Many years on the farm and the physical work have helped sculpt his body. Not to mention the naturally good looks he inherited.

He wasn't a stranger to being wanted by others. 

But this was different. 

He cleared his throat as a silent moment passed between him and Billy. 

This place opened up new possibilities and Robert wasn't sure he was quite ready for that yet. 

"I've got to get off. Early morning and all." Billy nodded. 

"Sure, maybe take my number if you ever want to discuss the finer details of being gay." Robert frowned. 

"I'm not gay, mate." He said firmly. 

"Oh." An awkward noise came out of the other man that made Robert uncomfortable. "So you're...?"

"I like both." Robert told him and watched as Billy's face contorted into something unplesant. "You got a problem with that?" 

"Uh no." Robert watched the other man shuffle away awkwardly. "You like whatever you like. See you later." Billy disappeared into the crowd leaving Robert feeling agitated and annoyed. 

He shook his head and left the place. 

It weren't for him anyways. It was a stupid idea. If that's how people would react then he wouldn't bother. 

Besides, there wasn't anyone around worth bothering about. 

Robert's mind went back to Debbie's job offer and how even though he'd have to work with three Dingles, it was the most comfortable job offer he would get on such short notice. He texted her and got a reply a few seconds later from Debbie ordering him to be in the next morning. He held back a groan as she sent another text telling him he'd start with Aaron from tomorrow as well. 

"Great." He murmured to himself earning a worried glare off the elderly man sitting opposite him. 

Robert thought about his encounter with Billy and came to yet another starling conslusion. 

Billy's blue eyes reminded him of Aaron's. 

His mind had become entangled with the teenaged lad and it weren't exactly a pleasant though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hit me up on tumblr: [dominikadecember](https://dominikadecember.tumblr.com/)
> 
> FUN FACT! The bar thing happened to me. I was having the bestest time talking to this super fucking cute girl and dropped the bisexual bomb. She ran off so fast. I guess it's more of a sad fact rather than fun. 
> 
> STAY DOPE PEOPLE!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Hope you are going into the new week happy and treated well. I had a lot of fun writing this chapter. Enjoy!

"What do you think you're doing?" Robert asked watching Aaron tinker with the engine. The young lad was irritating enough back when he was messing about with Victoria but now that Robert actually had to train him up, he had gone up in his levels of annoyance. 

"Just having a look at the spark plugs." Aaron said innocently backing away from the car with an easy smirk. "Figured I could look inside an actual car rather than just washing them if I'm going to be a mechanic." Robert raised his eyebrows unimpressed, frowning. 

"Didn't I tell you to get that van cleaned up before lunch?" He pointed to the dusty car at the end of the lot. "If you can't follow simple instructions then what's the point of being here?" Aaron's shoulders squared upwards and the smirk disappeared into a sneer. 

"You watch yourself, yeah?" The younger lad hissed at Robert. "Just 'cause you've got Debbie thinking sun's shining out of your hole, that don't mean you've got the rest of us fooled." He walked off to the van and got started on washing the car ignoring Robert who was biting his tongue to hold off his laughter. Debbie was one of the last people on the planet to actually like Robert. Despite giving him a job she still wouldn't mind if someone decked him. An opinion she stated quite often to his face. 

"Oi, pretty boy." Cain pointed to the engine. "You actually planning on doing anything or just gawking at my nephew the entire shift?" Robert bit his tongue again but this time it was for his own good. Cain had been on his case ever since he started working there and whilst he backed off Debbie, he kept on harassing Robert. And Robert couldn't even do anything in return. The older man's reputation wasn't just a legend passed around Emmerdale. 

Aaron laughed from behind him as Cain waited with an expectant expression at Robert to walk over. 

"He's not my type." Robert allowed himself to retort as he got to work doing his best to ignore the other men but he could feel that his comment raised a few eyebrows. For a few hours it worked and he even got to showing Aaron how to change a clutch before lunch was coming about. The teenager actually listening for once instead of inserting jabbing comments. "M'hungry." Robert murmured to himself when they were inside the car and as if on cue his stomach let out a rather loud growl. Aaron sent him a smug look. "What?"

"Nothing." The teenager grinned and left the car confusing Robert's emotions again. He'd gotten good at that. A knock on the window startled him. 

"Pretty boy, you get an hour for lunch and then you're back here." Cain Dingle glowered at him. "If you try to skive off, I'm going to find you and drag you back here." Robert shuddered at the threat which of course made the other man smirk in victory. 

The Dingles were incredibly frustrating. 

He made his way over to the cafe ignoring Aaron and Ryan bantering about something, dreaming about a bacon butty. He was so wrapped up in his head that he didn't even notice bumping into Doug. 

"Sorry, mate." He muttered and blinked at the older man who shook his head. 

"You should watch where you're going, Robert." He rolled his eyes at the reprimand and moved to the counter to place his order. But Doug hovered awakwardly behind him. Robert ordered his sandwich and when Brenda told him it would be ready in a few minutes he turned around to face Doug.

"If you want to say something to me, do it when I'm stuffing my face." Robert told him and moved to sit at one of the empty tables. He rubbed his eyes and heard the chair opposite him move. 

"Now I don't mean to pry." Doug started. "But I heard that there's been a bit of trouble for you at home." Robert felt confused at the words. "About Jack and you not getting along." Brenda came over and placed Robert's sandwich in front of him eyeing the two men interested. He could already see the wheels turning in her head and coming up with new rumours as to what they could have been discussing. Robert waited until the woman left before replying. 

"Doug, you taking an interest in my personal life is not a common occurance so just spit out whatever is going through your head." Doug tssked displeased. 

"I just wanted to say..." Doug lowered his voice. "If you need anything, I'm here. I know a few things about families not getting along and figured you could use a friend." Doug's face turned into a grimace. "Especially since I know what it feels like to be painted out as the bad guy." Robert blinked taken aback as Doug chuckled. "It's not as jolly being me as it looks." 

"Right." Robert cleared his throat as stared at his sandwich, an odd mix of emotions stirring up inside. On the one hand Doug coming up to him to talk was really nice and thoughtful. 

But he couldn't shake the feeling that it was also very out of the blue and uncharacteristic for someone from the village to be nice to him like that. 

"Cheers for the offer." He said coolly not trying to show any emotions. Doug smiled and patted his shoulder. 

"You're a good lad, Robert. It's a shame not every one can see that." Robert stared at the older man wide eyed. He couldn't remember anyone saying that to him but here was Douglass Potts being not just nice, but making it clear that he thought of Robert as a good person. It was such an odd feeling. 

Through the rest of his shift he was stuck in that odd head space where his mind was elsewhere but his body did his job automatically. Even Cain stopped his snarky comments for a while when he saw how unaffected Robert was simply because he didn't hear. 

As Robert got back to his home, Sarah was sitting in front of the telly with a massive book. She smiled at him happily. 

"Hello, love." Robert smiled back at his mother. "How was your day?"

"Alright." He nodded at the book. "What's that?" 

"Oh just a bunch of useless rules I need to adhere to with my library. You'd figure the council would be grateful I want to do this out of my own pocket and not ask for any profit." Robert sat down on the comfy couch next to his mother and looked at the book. "I don't even understand half of this gibberish. I think I'm going to need someone who speaks bureaucratic language."

"You could always ask Eric Pollard for help." Robert suggested pulling the book onto his own lap reading over as Sarah snorted. 

"I'd rather eat a rotten peach." She eyed him carefully. "Do you understand what this says?"He shrugged nonchalantly, flipping over a few pages. 

"Some. It's just your standard boiler plate agreement that you will keep the library open to all and make sure all the health and safety is up-to-date." He passed the book back to his mother, not noticing the proud glint in her eye. "I've gotta shower and get this grime off me. Suffice to say that working on an engine all day has left me in oil." He went upstairs as his mother chuckled. 

Robert was broke and isolated but as he got out of the shower, he admitted to himself that he hadn't felt this light in years. And if Doug's offer to bend his ear was valid, then maybe Robert's life was turning around. He smiled hearing his mother downstairs yelling at a show. 

Sarah Sugden made his life better and he was going to work his hardest to make sure she knew how grateful he was. 

(*)

Victoria Sugden was a girl of many talents. Her best? Annoying Robert to the point of him wanting to throttle her. She was sitting on the hood of one of the cars and chatting happily away with Aaron about some drama at college. 

Robert tried his best to ignore it but the way the teenagers were prattling on making too much noise as he did his best to fix the bloody carburettor on Jimmy King's car made him snap at the two to shut up. It was Ryan's day off, Cain had buggered off somewhere not explaining where he was off to and Debbie had been called into Sarah's school because the little girl was ill. 

"Someone's in a foul mood, aren't they?" Vic commented. 

"I wouldn't have to be if I could get some peace and quiet." He growled at his sister who rolled her eyes. "You going to do some actual work?" Robert snapped at Aaron who smirked in return, aggravating Robert more. "Something funny to you?" 

"Yeah, you thinking you're the big man just 'cause you're the only mechanic in." Aaron retorted. "Not interested in doing your bidding, Sugden." Robert had enough. 

"Then get out." Aaron blinked and Victoria's jaw dropped. 

"What?"

"I don't need you around if you're not going to be useful." Robert stated. "I'll get a lot more done without your fantastic attitude doing my head in every two seconds. It's not like you're any use around here though, are ya?" He grabbed a wrench as he watched Aaron's face fold in on itself and Robert felt a pang of guilt. He was getting a massive headache from the constant emotional whiplash he felt around the teenager.

"Robert, don't be boring." Victoria interjected. "I'm heading off in a moment anyways so you'll get some peace." She sighed dramatically before turning back to Aaron. "Oh, there are rumours that the Wylie farm got sold. D'you think anyone interesting is going to move in?" 

"Doubt it." Aaron scoffed still looking a bit dejected. "Nothing interesting happens around here." 

"Right, besides the constant lying, cheating, thieving and sometimes murders?" Vic grinned at her friend who smirked in return. Robert cleared his throat and raised an eyebrow expectedly at his little sister who once more rolled her eyes and left with her bag. Once Vic had gone, Robert actually managed to get somewhere with a few cars and Aaron was so quiet that Robert actually forgot he was there for a while. 

He spotted the teenager laying in the back seat of one of the cars that was washed. In fact, Robert focused on the garage and noticed all of the cars have been washed and Aaron had even cleaned up inside the building like the blond man asked him to that morning. 

Robert frowned at the silence and eyed Aaron who was playing around with his phone in the car. 

"Hey." He came over and nudged Aaron's shoe with his own leaning on the car door. Aaron looked at him from the car, the blue in them more vivid in the darker environment. Robert felt himself stop breathing for a moment as he got lost in those eyes. He coughed to escape the moment and looked elsewhere trying to focus. His gaze landed on Aaron's neck and a brief image of marking it all over flashed in his mind. 

"Yeah?" Aaron asked annoyed as Robert still didn't say anything to him. 

"I..." Robert rasped out and cleared his throat feeling suddenly parched. "There's nothing much for you to do so if you do want to get off, you can." Aaron shrugged and sat up, his head leaning out of the car. "I'll even cover and tell the lot you did an entire shift." Robert offered, mentally asking himself what the fuck was he doing. 

"Nah, it's alright." Aaron told him, his eyes squinting in the afternoon sun whilst facing Robert. "There ain't much to do aside from hanging out with Clyde." Robert thought for a moment. 

"If you don't mind getting some grime on you, you can change the transmission fluid on that wreck." He pointed at one of the cars. Aaron gave him a disbelieving look. "Under my supervision of course." He smirked at the teenager feeling something warm in his chest. 

"Yeah." Aaron said unsure and stood up with a smirk of his own a second later. "Yeah, I'm sure you'll be competent enough to watch me show you how it's done." The teenager slapped Robert's shoulder lightly before walking off to the car. 

He stared after him feeling enchanted. 

Then Aaron turned back asking what he was waiting for and Robert had to stifle his smile at how giddy he felt. 

It wasn't as bad of a day as it was a morning and Robert could definitely say that by the time he closed up the garage, him and Aaron were going to become civil towards each other. Robert figured it would be nice to have some allies in the village and the Livesy teenager seemed to be one of the most loyal people he's met. 

He wondered what exactly did Cain Dingle and Paddy did to deserve that kind of loyalty. 

As he came back home, Robert came to an understanding. He wanted that kind of loyalty. He'd never had it with anyone and the desperate want for it was something he wanted to satisfy now that he was out from under his father's thumb. 

His mother came home with a big smile on her face and Victoria hot on her heels carrying a box of heavenly smelling takeaway. 

"You are a genius!" Sarah yelled as soon as she saw him. Andy walked in behind the two holding onto bags of soft drinks. "I would have never ever figured to consider that wretched scum of a man but thanks to you, I've got myself a library!" She explained and dropped the big box of food on the coffee table. Robert looked to his siblings for a clue but they also seemed to be lost. "Eric Pollard is a massive pain in the neck but I have to hand it to him. He knows how to discuss business well." Victoria dropped onto the floor as Andy sat on the couch next to Robert. 

"Mum, what are you on about?" The teenager asked helping herself to one of the four bags of chips. Sarah was still standing, excitement running through her. 

"I was having a bit of a problem getting alll the forms and paperwork in to the council to make the library happen. Especially because I didn't have a proper space. I was thinking maybe the Pavillion but then I was told that couldn't be a location for the library because of some ridiculous geographical gibbersish." Sarah took in a deep breath as she continued on. "So I was very upset as you can imagine because a library in this village would be a wonderful idea especially since there are more and more kids around. " Andy nodded in agreement. "But thanks to Robert suggesting I ask Eric Pollard for help, the library is officially going ahead."

"That's great!" Sarah's children cheered happily. 

"But wait, what does Eric Pollard have to do with any of this?" Vic frowned asking their mother. 

"The man himself is a devil I admit." Sarah sighed. "But then he explained. See, his B&B would get a rather large tax relief if my library was on their premises." 

"WHAT?!" Robert shouted shocked. His mother nodded. 

"I know! It's crazy isn't it? But it would be perfect wouldn't it? He'd even give up one of the rooms to me for a reasonable fee as a catalogue room." She beamed at them. "With a little construction, it would be possible to even separate the two businesses." The three siblings looked at each other speechless as their mother was nearly bouncing with joy over the idea. "And the council has already approved it all!" Robert took in how happy his mother was about the events and smiled at her. 

"If this is what you want mum, then we are here to support you 100%." Andy said gently, looking a bit shell-shocked himself. Vic nodded encouragingly. 

"Yeah mum. Congrats." The two hugged tightly and everyone turned to Robert waiting for his reaction. 

"It's gonna be great. Me and Andy will help out with whatever heavy lifting you need." He offered the services which earned a small hit to his knee from his brother. 

"Don't be going on making decisions for me." Andy reprimanded but Robert saw the uplift in the corner of his mouth. "Mum, this will be the best library ever." Andy stood up and hugged Sarah as well. Robert following suit a second later. When all the hugging was done, the Sugdens sat down and ravaged the takeaway together. 

Robert didn't want to admit it to anyone but having a family meal with his siblings and his mum was one of the best feelings in the world. He tried to identify the feeling later on when he was drifting off to sleep. 

It was like being hugged by a fresh warm towel on a really rainy day.

Safe and comforting. Two words Robert didn't get to use very often in the past.

Two words he fell asleep with.


End file.
